someone get that fucking seahorse.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios