I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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