Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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