Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
