I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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