i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
