My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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