I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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