she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
