I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
