watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
