I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
it was like eating out sand paper
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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