Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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