i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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