So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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