It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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