ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
