I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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