The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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