I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
