how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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