i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
