I heard we made out
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
