Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
