so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
