My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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