Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
