just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
