I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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