I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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