; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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