I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
