There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
