TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
