believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
