you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
did i walk over a car last night?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
