thus making me awesome and them whores
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So much rum. So many feels.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
