Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
