do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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