hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
