GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
