OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
