ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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