i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
