I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
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I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
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We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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