She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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