my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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