There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
