I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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