It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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