Dude my mom stole all your condoms
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
time to smoke my breakfast
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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