sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
