dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
