How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
