Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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