No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Couch. On fire.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
