I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
