I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
