Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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