I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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